After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
