I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
