so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
