Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
