mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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