someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
