im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
nutella sex= disaster
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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