I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
