I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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