Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
