gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
