Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
