You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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