do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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