i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
