I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
