Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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