I can't watch pbs sober anymore
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This toilet bowl is my home.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
