hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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