I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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