i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
