some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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