You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
