There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
