oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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