Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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