He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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