I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
