dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
