Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
