I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
