I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
