I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
