i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Randomize
