I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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