Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
high people should be assigned attendants
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
