Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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