you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
