if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
