god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
