my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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