There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
