just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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