last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
