No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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