I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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