I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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