just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
