I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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