I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
