I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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