My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I died a long time ago.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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