Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
