I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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